Sleepy and selfish

Listening to my playlist during yet another workout I truly didn't want to do. My back was killing me, as it is most of the time these days and I just wanted to lay down and cry with exhaustion. "She's Always a Woman" by Billy Joel came on. 

She can lead you to love, she can take you or leave you. 

She can ask for the truth but she'll never believe you. 

And she'll take what you give her as long as it's free. 

Yeah she steals like a thief but she's always a woman to me... 

Oh, and she never gives out and she never gives in.  She just changes her mind.

And she'll promise you more than the Garden of Eden

then she'll carelessly cut you and laugh while you're bleeding.

She brings out the best and the worst you can be-- blame it all on yourself 'cause she's always a woman to me.

Unfortunately, I totally relate to this. I'm exhausted but I also don't want to give anything up. I'm about 10 weeks away from being done with nursing school. I'm working. I'm finishing up a certification for my BA that will enable me to also graduate with that degree come December. I'm trying to lose weight and increase, or at least sustain, my fitness. I'm a mom and currently, like the rest of America, a teacher at home to my kids. And house stuff. I've actually found that life goes on quite regularly when I just ignore some things. My family eats cereal and eggs, the grass gets long, the dishes pile up, the house gets disordered. (Except the laundry. I refuse to get behind on the laundry.) And somehow, life keeps going on until I get to it. I have been "painting" the kitchen since July. Finally finished about a week ago.

First, let me talk about school. I'm more anxious than in previous semesters to learn the material because it's important--all critical care conditions. So hours and hours of studying. And then there is clinical, which is a fairly big disappointment this semester in terms of skills. Haven't hung a bag of fluid, started an IV, put in a catheter. It's all been stuff I already do at work. I've resigned myself to it knowing lots of students don't get the experience they want and am grateful I have a pleasant instructor.

Saturday night Peter sat down with me to express his feelings about how much I'm working. He's not a fan. When I initially got the job I reassured him I only had to work one day every 2 weeks, which is true, because that's what PRN is but even then I knew that I wanted to work once a week. Peter thinks it's too much. So do my good friends in the program. But I love it and I won't give up the experience. And let's face it: being a mom comes with little appreciation or affirmation. At work there's abundance of praise from my patients. But it's also exhausting. So exhausting. But I also feel like I'm learning more there than I am in clinical this semester. 

Stop worrying about getting a job. You'll get a job! It'll all work out. This is what I hear. I mostly believe it-- especially the it'll all work out part, because it always has, even if it doesn't come in the form I thought I wanted. But I still feel compelled to bust out of the gate. I'm paying someone to write my resume, which I should be filling out information on right now instead of doing this. And on a practical note we need better insurance for Peter's medical care. And soon apparently, because the last biopsy in May didn't make them happy and they think it is time to do a transplant here soon.

I've been raising kids for almost 25 years. I gave up every personal career ambition I had when I married and I feel like it's my time now and to some degree I feel like I deserve this and even if I don't and I'm just a selfish person I want it anyway. I have always wanted to do this and I'm right there. It's all a lot of mom guilt. I get tired of feeling torn and envious of friends who seem to be able to work as much as they need to without having to justify it or feel like things might be falling apart at home. Peter said he doesn't feel that way. But I know it is taking a toll on him. I can be moody and demanding and prickly and often don't want to talk. But I also make doctor appointments and take kids to the dentist and work on Will with his homework, so I'm trying.

Corpus Christi July 13-14, 2020

After my trip to see my parents in Washington with the boys was cancelled--again-- Courtney and I got brave and booked a trip to Corpus Christi for 2 nights with 6 kids in tow. The place we ended up booking was perfect. A whole room dedicated to just the boys separate from the house-- woohoo! 

Being the over-preparers we are we brought enough food between the two of us to have probably fed us all for a week. Someone (I think her husband, Carey, also our Bishop) had the idea to bring walkie-talkies with us so we could communicate quickly car to car. That was brilliant.

It's funny we are both the kind of people that feel like we're literally have to bring everything for every possible situation that might come about. I just adore this woman. She really made the difference in my transition to Texas. She still does 💜💜💜

These teen boys don't eat nearly as much as I expected them to. So. Much. Extra. Food.

The hermit crabs were the coolest thing. I've never been to a beach with these before. We brought home one small shell we thought was empty and it started to stink-- unfortunately for some crab it wasn't.

Oh how teens love pictures. Hyrum is especially funny here.

The only hitch was that it was another summer of classes for me. I really wanted to use the time because the future is uncertain for us in regards to when exactly this bone marrow transplant is happening and I want to get done with this Public Health degree. I ended up taking 12 credits, 6 for my BA at BYUI (health administration and health communications) and 6 for my prerequisites to the RN to BSN program with Austin Community College (Texas government and US History II). It was an endurance summer. I'm tired of taking classes that are just random required courses that have nothing to do with nursing. So cool they have a BA program at ACC though. I'm glad I can just stick with them. 

All the crabs we collected heading out to sea before we left. 

Will's 8th Birthday

Planning Will's birthday parties are difficult during normal times, so when people are not supposed to be gathering was a challenge. We were supposed to be at my parent's house in Washington for his birthday, so I thought I had it covered. Instead the cases of Coronavirus skyrocketed here in Texas and we decided we had to cancel-- again. Huge bummer. 

By some miracle I came up with the idea of having his birthday at a lake we went to a couple of times last summer with some friends of ours (Dean and Aleece Wilcox) and their son Cooper, who Will loves. I called Aleece and what-do-ya-know they were planning to be there with some family that day. I was so glad we had a plan. Sarah & Sage came, we did sandwiches and cake, a pinata, and Will and Cooper made awesome birthday memories with glow sticks in the lake.

 

4th of July

It was a different sort of 4th this year with all the normal festivities cancelled. Our city still held their firework show, which was great. People who got tickets had to sit by their cars and then fight their way out of traffic (no thanks). We made a good call and found a place to park a ways away where we could get out easily. John didn't come because he insisted he was going to have a friend over. (Didn't happen.)

Sarah showed up later with Lucy and Tucker and we all sat around in the parking lot of an auto parts store enjoyed the show. With the reduction in formal celebrations the sales of fireworks skyrocketed this year and people were having their own personal shows all over the place. I think that was happening all over the country.

June 25, 2020 our 26th wedding anniversary

Our 26th anniversary started out with a morning Zoom appointment to talk to our doctor about Peter's test results from his 3rd biopsy, 2nd with DNA testing. We had been anxious about it for a while because waiting for test results are always the worst part, and we were concerned that if we got bad news it would cast a shadow on our anniversary trip. The news wasn't great. They feel that the condition has progressed and we have entered the phase where we need to start planning the bone marrow transplant. We weren't expecting that, but in a strange way it was a little bit of a relief for Peter to have a plan instead of the lingering uncertainty about when this is going to happen. We left directly afterwards and it didn't taint the weekend for us. Instead we had two glorious nights in Fredericksburg, TX, walking through the town and the shops, eating delicious food and sleeping whenever we wanted.

Outside the Museum of the Pacific at dusk

The museum had a system of keeping the numbers of visitors to a certain quota for Covid, so it wasn't crowded. It is a museum of a lot of words, but I love stories about the people who fought in the Pacific and the story about Admiral Chester W. Nimitz. Nimitz who served as Commander in Chief, Pacific Ocean Areas during World War II. A portion of the museum is in a hotel that was run by the family.

The houses in the downtown are all made of this type of stone. They are gorgeous and go back as far as the 1850's. I love the carriage entries in the yards. There were so many adorable cottages and stunning yards and plants. I was wishing I could grow a lot of it in my yard and took a lot of pictures of plants I hope I might be able to. I think the climate here is a little different than where we are in Austin.

While we were there we wanted to go back to an art gallery to buy some work by a watercolor artist we met 2 years prior. He was a 

On the way home we stopped in Marble Falls to see if we could purchase some paintings from an artist we met back in 2018. On my birthday that year we met Johnnie Fields, an architect and artist who's work I fell in love with. A WWII and Korean War vet, Mr. Fields was 90 years old, married 67 years, and at the time was still working, driving, and golfing. We first went to their shop we had visited in 2018, only to find that it was gone. We found the new location only to discover it was closed. Unbelievably I knocked and found his daughter had come into the studio to do a little painting that Saturday and she let us in. Turned out that he had died only weeks before and all of his paintings of bluebonnets, which we had particularly been looking for, had been sold. They were closing the shop and selling off the remainder of his paintings and we were able to buy several at discounted prices and I was so glad we were at least able to do that. It was such a shame we didn't come earlier. I had a feeling we might miss out if we waited. 

His daughter let us take our time browsing the shop and these are the paintings we purchased. I love them all.

This is actually a painting of a house in Fredericksburg.

I love the little nuns in this mission painting.

As usual, Peter spoiled me.

Neverending summer

Will & I back when it was cool enough to go on walks earlier this summer. This was the second wave of wildflowers and I was so happy to see it.

Peter's biking pictures

The boys basically have endless time on their hands. It was a real challenge to figure out what to do with him when I was in four classes and there was no place I could take him indoors when it was so hot outside. All of the kids play areas are closed due to Covid and we've been home since March.

 This is just a hilarious picture of Lucy. She's really struggling through this all as you can see.

My friend Courtney got adventurous one day and did a hike with the kids out to see the dinosaur tracks. She was a gem and helped me talk through my study guide for a history exam I had. She knew way more about US history than I did and could have probably taken the test for me without studying.

Meeting Thomas

I finished my last nursing final on May 12, worked the 13th, packed the 14th and we left on Friday the 15th for Utah to finally meet Thomas.

New Mexico skies are my favorite.

And here he is!! Here is Peter holding him for the first time. He is about a month old here.

And me! The blanket he is wrapped in here was made by my grandma for Nathaniel, so Thomas is wrapped in a blanket made by his great, great grandma. (And it's still holding up great!)

Will is an uncle!!

Got together with Sam & Rebecca for some BBQ

Look at this boy!!

I'm not sure how I feel about being a grandma yet, but looking into this face and hearing his sweet baby noises was pretty amazing. People have asked me what I plan to have my grandkids call me. I don't know to be honest, so it will probably just be grandma.

While we were there we saw Aaron and Kaitlen and I had to get a picture of her peonies in the yard. They have such a cute little house.

And oh my goodness this guy can't get any cuter. I swear he reminds me so much of Aaron I can't stand it.

 Peter got this incredibly adorable picture.

While I was there I finally got out my new watercolors. I've been wanting to try them out for years and finally decided it was time. It was really fun. I'd like to take some classes.

As you can see here Nancy is basically the cutest mom ever. I'm so lucky to have her as a daughter-in-law 💙

While we were there we got to see Hannah. She was such a sport and came and took pictures for us at a park in Provo.

We also got to see Sam and Rebecca. We were hoping to hike Stewart Falls with them on our last day but the weather didn't cooperate. Hopefully we'll be able to do it when we come back in a couple months.

All the cousins!!

Peter got this fabulous shot on one of his bike rides of Utah Lake in Saratoga Springs right where Nathaniel and Nancy live.

Will and I scoped out downtown Saratoga Springs while Peter finally got an actual professional haircut. They never closed down the salons in Utah, or technically the state. We ate snow cones with cream and Will scored some fake mustaches' at a stationary store. Peter is one mean looking hombre with his stash isn't he?

We were able to make an appointment to meet with my grandpa through the glass of his assisted living facility. He's such a special man. We are so lucky to have him in our lives. He'll be 90 this year. Can't believe it. Holding out hope that they at least let us meet outside with him 6 feet away by the next time we come. They can't keep these people in there forever. The facility is expanding and we were on the side of the expansion and the construction noise was so loud it made a situation where it was already hard to hear even worse. Next time we are asking for the north side!!

Will was extremely cute. His cuteness and my grandpa's cuteness are almost too much for my heart. So glad we got these picures of this. What a caption of this part of his history.

We're going to miss this little Nachito. I wish we lived closer, but we do the best with what we have. Peter was bummed we were leaving.

Finally got a picture of John & Thomas at the last minute.

Because Stewart Falls didn't pan out we decided to meet everyone for breakfast. Claire had arrived in town that morning as well, so we had a big family meal at the Magleby's in Springville. Very fancy!

Hannah and Claire have, of course, the most photogenic genes. They are so close as sisters. On our way out we stopped in Moab, where we had intended to spend the night but apparently despite Covid all of the hotel rooms were full because it was Labor Day weekend. I don't know why people get so excited for a holiday weekend when we've basically been on a vacation for the last 2 months- haha! We stopped and went through the shops instead-- one of our favorite things. So much fun. We got some art and t-shirts and John picked out the ugliest knife I've ever seen. But I guess you do you...

Hannah has been making the cutest yarn decorations for sale and I bought this one! I had no idea it was going to be this big but I love it!!

It was disappointing that Arches wasn't open in Moab either because of Covid. This 19-hour drive about does us all in. Peter's feet swell, my sciatic starts really flaring up and the boys start getting testy after a while. They're both pretty good troopers about it though. We opted for KFC on the way there and back because it is something everyone will usually eat and neither time could they give us plates,napkins, or silverware because of Covid restrictions. So how are we exactly supposed to eat fried chicken and mashed potatoes and gravy in large sharable tubs? Oh well, you know me. I had all the supplies for every scenario stashed in the back of the van. Still dumb though if you ask me.

I was so, so happy to be home I thought, "As long as I'm here I'll never complain about anything again! I'll live a life of gratitude"! That didn't last very long, but reminded me how much I love where I love and the great support system we have here.