Boys will be boys

This is what happens when you leave it up to your husband to get your son to preschool.

(I was at the temple with Jay and Aaron)

update on tall man

I moved to a different area today in class to avoid tall man but he came in late again and stepped right on my foot as he wiggled his way on down the aisle. I was wearing sandals.

Grrrrrrrrr=(

At least he didn't eat his lunch again today. 

If I had the choice I think I'd take him stepping on my foot.

I did notice today that he has very soft womanly hands.

What in the h%#@ are people thinking?

In my New Testament class there is this guy...

He is not small. He is tall and big. He usually comes in late and has to squeeze himself into a row of the small auditorium-type classroom. 

He takes out his laptop and gets all settled in--all comfy now. 

How nice.

Those of us around tall man resume focusing on the lecture.

11am  must be lunch time for tall man, and tall man cannot be having his lunch late!

So not out of a small, quiet bag, but instead a large plastic grocery sack, tall man draws forth his carefully assembled and toasted sandwich and proceeds to eat.

After the sandwich, comes the chips, because of course-- what kind of lunch would it be without chips? Tall man finishes up his chips and then tilts the bag into his mouth to catch those last few crumbs. (No sense being wasteful.)

So tall man is satisfied now right? Silly us! Now comes the yogurt. He opens his yogurt and eats it happily with his plastic spoon. Once he has reached the bottom tall man is not yet done! He must hold the container over his head through the florescent light to make sure to scrape out the last bits carefully. Then he licks the spoon. Yep, licks that puppy clean.

Now for the granola bar. (What??!!) A nice crackly-packaged one. Lets listen to tall man open it! Now he is eating it because apparently he still has room somewhere in one of his hollow legs to put it.

What is a complete lunch without a dessert? Tall man is unwrapping his chocolate protein bar. Gotta make sure you get enough protein, and plenty of calories to keep tall man's rather feminine shape.

Not to leave out the rather obnoxious comments that have the ring of nerdy know-it-all peppered throughout his meal. (He is quite the multi-tasker!)

What can I say? Not only did I pay for a quality education, but I got the entertainment package too!

Score!

This faintly reminds me of a time when I was on a plane and a man, utterly repulsive in every other way, further completes our opinion of him when he actually pulled out a can of tuna and opened it with a can opener and ate it right out of the can. In a plane. TUNA FISH--OUT OF THE CAN

 I swear, if I hadn't seen it myself I wouldn't believe it either.

The guilt ship lollypop

This last week was a little rough and the guilt ship made several stops by my house. 

Going to school has made for some hard choices. I don't get as much time with my kids, especially John since he is the one still home most of the day. I don't get as much time with Peter, which he can't help feeling slightly resentful about. The house suffers, the laundry suffers. We eat a lot of breakfast foods for dinner.

My week in a nutshell

Monday--class, pick up kids, dinner, FHE

Tuesday--clean, homework, shop with brother Aaron for mission stuff for 5 hours

Wednesday--class, study, more class, race home, dinner, unhappy children, 2 soccer games, late night of homework

Thursday--sleep, must sleep--laundry, homework, dinner, class, miss parent-teacher conference with Sarah's teacher--she calls house and Peter goes while I am in my night class

Friday--class--(get A on paper!) kids have day off--take them to lunch and movie--sleep--clean--go on hot date to Walmart with Peter--homework

Saturday--soccer games--head to Salt Lake with my stake in chartered buses to Women's Conference--(study on bus)

Sunday--pick up Jay from airport--teach lesson in primary--spend quality time with my brothers

No matter how hard I try, I will never be all things to all people. I could never manage a perfect house before this, so why would I now? I was in this class on Wednesday where they were giving us a presentation on study habits. "Make sure to fit in some time for play as well as study time. As students, your lives are out of balance right now."

Ummm...duh.

I happen to have a small chat with my neighbor today and she actually said to me, "I think what you are doing is suicidal. Sorry if I sound blunt." Way to be supportive!

Am I crazy? Am I over-ambitious? Do you think I haven't agonized over this? Are there not nights when I want to crawl in my kid's rooms just to sleep next to them? I stood by my man for five solid years when he got his BA and Masters degrees and had babies coming all the while. It was hard! I often felt neglected! Does it make me horrible that I want my turn?

Well guess what? I may very well be all of those things. I'm never going to be super-mom, but I work really hard at it. John is in daycare 10 hours a week. I have never put a child in daycare before. I fret about it all the time. When I cry to my kids they laugh at me and say, "Mom--its fine! You're still here most the time!" But the ever-present mom-guilt never takes a vacation.

I'm never going to have all my ducks lined up in a row. I have never missed a single parent-teacher conference before. Ever. Every child, every quarter. Like clockwork.

This is not something one does unless they really, really want it. I still walk around campus in a cloud, wondering how I got so lucky to be there.

So think what you want, maybe I really am crazy! I certainly wouldn't doubt it--but I'm a the happiest damn crazy woman you've ever seen.

So there.

John's thumb

Today was the primary program in church. This is a good and bad thing as we know. Good because it is finally over, and bad because it is pretty much as much fun for us teachers of the four and five-year-olds as getting a root canal.

Somehow I got extra lucky and ended up not just with my class, but sitting next to my four-year-old son John, who is in the class under mine. I think the idea was that as his mother I would be best suited to keep him in line but as we all know, sometimes parents are the worst choice for this purpose. 

For one thing, John knows that mom isn't going to beat him in public. So, this is prime time to do something unexpected and especially naughty. Even more fun is that she is trying to control her own class, so her attention is divided.

You're wondering what I'm getting to, aren't you? Don't worry, you won't be disappointed.

John is bored. He has been through the laborious practices and from experience knows to go straight from contented happy child to bored cantankerous child as soon as we sit down. We are in the front pew, facing the pulpit. I am feeling safe as this means everyone in the congregation cannot observe his behavior, only those on the stand.

After about song #3 John gives up on his first few plans and starts in on the "I have to pee NOW" ploy. He pulls this all the time and mom isn't going for it. I ignore him as he does his crotch-holding bathroom dance and tries to look desperate. I silently chant to myself, "I will be strong. I will not give in."

Finally he is quiet. Success!! I have shown him who is boss! I was strong! Mom scores!

Then I look at him. Something is not right. He has a look on his face I can't interpret. Has he peed his pants? He is focused on something in that region. I find myself looking for a wet spot and instead see something that looks like a thumb.

Only its not a thumb. And it is pointed right at the Bishopric.

John is grinning. Mom did not see this one coming. How very interesting! What will she do?

I grab his unmentionables and stuff it right back in his pants. He is darn lucky I didn't just twist that puppy off. I was so ticked. Beyond ticked--there are not words to describe my fury. I was sorely tempted to give it at least a good pinch, but again, there is an audience. I cannot scream. I cannot discipline. All I can do is march him directly to his dad.

John scores again.

Honestly, I couldn't make this stuff up.

*sigh*

Sometimes you just gotta be there...

When Lily came to visit John was into some mischief or another and I said something that made her laugh. I don't remember what, only that she said, "I bet you've never said that before." 

As moms we say weird things all the time. Things we could never have anticipated saying before we became moms. Things we will probably only say once in our lives. Here are a few of the ones I remember:

"Who put potato chips in my dresser drawers?"

"Is that lipstick on the cat?"

"I don't know, but if I see Spiderman/Superman/Batman I 'll be sure to ask him."

"As long as you're quiet I'm not sure I care what you do."

"Because if you squeeze it the eyeballs might pop out."

"Why is there vaseline on the wall (bed/counter/computer etc)?"

"I don't have one. Yep I'm pretty sure. Because I'm a girl. I don't know, go ask your dad."

"Don't lick the table (grocery cart, checkstand, wall, friends, etc)."

"If I catch you wiping your boogers on the wall again you're grounded."

"Share the frog/snake/lizard with your sisters."

"If this has to do with your penis, go talk to your dad."

"Nathaniel, church is not a good time to draw scenes of carnage. If you're bored draw something uplifting."

"Don't pee on the dog. Ever."

"STOP WEARING THAT CAPE!!"

"I hope aliens have taken over your body because you did not just say that to your mother."

"Because I gave birth to you and I say so."

"John, we know you did it. Because the dog doesn't have arms."

"I don't know, you'll have to ask an old person."

Soccer mom