Monday, September 28, 2020

Sleepy and selfish

Listening to my playlist during yet another workout I truly didn't want to do. My back was killing me, as it is most of the time these days and I just wanted to lay down and cry with exhaustion. "She's Always a Woman" by Billy Joel came on. 

She can lead you to love, she can take you or leave you. 

She can ask for the truth but she'll never believe you. 

And she'll take what you give her as long as it's free. 

Yeah she steals like a thief but she's always a woman to me... 

Oh, and she never gives out and she never gives in.  She just changes her mind.

And she'll promise you more than the Garden of Eden

then she'll carelessly cut you and laugh while you're bleeding.

She brings out the best and the worst you can be-- blame it all on yourself 'cause she's always a woman to me.

Unfortunately, I totally relate to this. I'm exhausted but I also don't want to give anything up. I'm about 10 weeks away from being done with nursing school. I'm working. I'm finishing up a certification for my BA that will enable me to also graduate with that degree come December. I'm trying to lose weight and increase, or at least sustain, my fitness. I'm a mom and currently, like the rest of America, a teacher at home to my kids. And house stuff. I've actually found that life goes on quite regularly when I just ignore some things. My family eats cereal and eggs, the grass gets long, the dishes pile up, the house gets disordered. (Except the laundry. I refuse to get behind on the laundry.) And somehow, life keeps going on until I get to it. I have been "painting" the kitchen since July. Finally finished about a week ago.

First, let me talk about school. I'm more anxious than in previous semesters to learn the material because it's important--all critical care conditions. So hours and hours of studying. And then there is clinical, which is a fairly big disappointment this semester in terms of skills. Haven't hung a bag of fluid, started an IV, put in a catheter. It's all been stuff I already do at work. I've resigned myself to it knowing lots of students don't get the experience they want and am grateful I have a pleasant instructor.

Saturday night Peter sat down with me to express his feelings about how much I'm working. He's not a fan. When I initially got the job I reassured him I only had to work one day every 2 weeks, which is true, because that's what PRN is but even then I knew that I wanted to work once a week. Peter thinks it's too much. So do my good friends in the program. But I love it and I won't give up the experience. And let's face it: being a mom comes with little appreciation or affirmation. At work there's abundance of praise from my patients. But it's also exhausting. So exhausting. But I also feel like I'm learning more there than I am in clinical this semester. 

Stop worrying about getting a job. You'll get a job! It'll all work out. This is what I hear. I mostly believe it-- especially the it'll all work out part, because it always has, even if it doesn't come in the form I thought I wanted. But I still feel compelled to bust out of the gate. I'm paying someone to write my resume, which I should be filling out information on right now instead of doing this. And on a practical note we need better insurance for Peter's medical care. And soon apparently, because the last biopsy in May didn't make them happy and they think it is time to do a transplant here soon.

I've been raising kids for almost 25 years. I gave up every personal career ambition I had when I married and I feel like it's my time now and to some degree I feel like I deserve this and even if I don't and I'm just a selfish person I want it anyway. I have always wanted to do this and I'm right there. It's all a lot of mom guilt. I get tired of feeling torn and envious of friends who seem to be able to work as much as they need to without having to justify it or feel like things might be falling apart at home. Peter said he doesn't feel that way. But I know it is taking a toll on him. I can be moody and demanding and prickly and often don't want to talk. But I also make doctor appointments and take kids to the dentist and work on Will with his homework, so I'm trying.

Saturday, September 26, 2020

Corpus Christi July 13-14, 2020


After my trip to see my parents in Washington with the boys was cancelled--again-- Courtney and I got brave and booked a trip to Corpus Christi for 2 nights with 6 kids in tow. The place we ended up booking was perfect. A whole room dedicated to just the boys separate from the house-- woohoo! 
Being the over-preparers we are we brought enough food between the two of us to have probably fed us all for a week. Someone (I think her husband, Carey, also our Bishop) had the idea to bring walkie-talkies with us so we could communicate quickly car to car. That was brilliant.

It's funny we are both the kind of people that feel like we're literally have to bring everything for every possible situation that might come about. I just adore this woman. She really made the difference in my transition to Texas. She still does 💜💜💜

These teen boys don't eat nearly as much as I expected them to. So. Much. Extra. Food.

The hermit crabs were the coolest thing. I've never been to a beach with these before. We brought home one small shell we thought was empty and it started to stink-- unfortunately for some crab it wasn't.


Oh how teens love pictures. Hyrum is especially funny here.

The only hitch was that it was another summer of classes for me. I really wanted to use the time because the future is uncertain for us in regards to when exactly this bone marrow transplant is happening and I want to get done with this Public Health degree. I ended up taking 12 credits, 6 for my BA at BYUI (health administration and health communications) and 6 for my prerequisites to the RN to BSN program with Austin Community College (Texas government and US History II). It was an endurance summer. I'm tired of taking classes that are just random required courses that have nothing to do with nursing. So cool they have a BA program at ACC though. I'm glad I can just stick with them. 

All the crabs we collected heading out to sea before we left.