Sleepy and selfish

Listening to my playlist during yet another workout I truly didn't want to do. My back was killing me, as it is most of the time these days and I just wanted to lay down and cry with exhaustion. "She's Always a Woman" by Billy Joel came on. 

She can lead you to love, she can take you or leave you. 

She can ask for the truth but she'll never believe you. 

And she'll take what you give her as long as it's free. 

Yeah she steals like a thief but she's always a woman to me... 

Oh, and she never gives out and she never gives in.  She just changes her mind.

And she'll promise you more than the Garden of Eden

then she'll carelessly cut you and laugh while you're bleeding.

She brings out the best and the worst you can be-- blame it all on yourself 'cause she's always a woman to me.

Unfortunately, I totally relate to this. I'm exhausted but I also don't want to give anything up. I'm about 10 weeks away from being done with nursing school. I'm working. I'm finishing up a certification for my BA that will enable me to also graduate with that degree come December. I'm trying to lose weight and increase, or at least sustain, my fitness. I'm a mom and currently, like the rest of America, a teacher at home to my kids. And house stuff. I've actually found that life goes on quite regularly when I just ignore some things. My family eats cereal and eggs, the grass gets long, the dishes pile up, the house gets disordered. (Except the laundry. I refuse to get behind on the laundry.) And somehow, life keeps going on until I get to it. I have been "painting" the kitchen since July. Finally finished about a week ago.

First, let me talk about school. I'm more anxious than in previous semesters to learn the material because it's important--all critical care conditions. So hours and hours of studying. And then there is clinical, which is a fairly big disappointment this semester in terms of skills. Haven't hung a bag of fluid, started an IV, put in a catheter. It's all been stuff I already do at work. I've resigned myself to it knowing lots of students don't get the experience they want and am grateful I have a pleasant instructor.

Saturday night Peter sat down with me to express his feelings about how much I'm working. He's not a fan. When I initially got the job I reassured him I only had to work one day every 2 weeks, which is true, because that's what PRN is but even then I knew that I wanted to work once a week. Peter thinks it's too much. So do my good friends in the program. But I love it and I won't give up the experience. And let's face it: being a mom comes with little appreciation or affirmation. At work there's abundance of praise from my patients. But it's also exhausting. So exhausting. But I also feel like I'm learning more there than I am in clinical this semester. 

Stop worrying about getting a job. You'll get a job! It'll all work out. This is what I hear. I mostly believe it-- especially the it'll all work out part, because it always has, even if it doesn't come in the form I thought I wanted. But I still feel compelled to bust out of the gate. I'm paying someone to write my resume, which I should be filling out information on right now instead of doing this. And on a practical note we need better insurance for Peter's medical care. And soon apparently, because the last biopsy in May didn't make them happy and they think it is time to do a transplant here soon.

I've been raising kids for almost 25 years. I gave up every personal career ambition I had when I married and I feel like it's my time now and to some degree I feel like I deserve this and even if I don't and I'm just a selfish person I want it anyway. I have always wanted to do this and I'm right there. It's all a lot of mom guilt. I get tired of feeling torn and envious of friends who seem to be able to work as much as they need to without having to justify it or feel like things might be falling apart at home. Peter said he doesn't feel that way. But I know it is taking a toll on him. I can be moody and demanding and prickly and often don't want to talk. But I also make doctor appointments and take kids to the dentist and work on Will with his homework, so I'm trying.