Wednesday, November 12, 2014

It's official. I miss him.

My homage to Nathaniel in my living room. 
Note you can see my reflection in the picture.

The first week he was gone it was really, really tough. Then things got better. I was getting along quite well. I never got chocked up when they talked about missionary work in meetings. I even got a little cocky and thought of how much better I was handling it than all these other missionary moms. (When, when, WHEN will I learn not to get all cocky and judgmental about things?)

Fast forward two months. Going along fine. Few little moments here and there but no feeling overly blue or tears or anything. All and all I was handling the whole thing beautifully.
Then came the birthday. 

Totally blindsided me. And Peter for that matter. That was November 2nd and I still haven't really recovered. It's only been two and a half months and I think in my mind he was on some extended vacation and suddenly now I'm done with this and am ready for him to come home. I dream about him all the time and when I'm not dreaming about him I'm worrying about him and when I'm not worrying about him I'm missing him and having crazy thoughts about a spontaneous trip to Peru where I just happen to bump into my son. (Like I said, not rational). In my dreams  he suddenly shows up because he forgot something and I'm like, "You flew all the way here for that? Why didn't you just have me send it?" Just weird stuff.

It isn't that I want him somewhere else. It isn't like I don't think this is an incredible experience for him and is going to help him grow in so many ways and share the gospel to boot. It isn't like I don't know we're incredibly blessed to have a missionary. I'm not crying everyday or anything. Just very mixed feelings. I don't want to sound like I'm complaining and I feel guilty for even feeling this way. Just telling the truth and learning some lessons about life I thought I already knew but apparently didn't and probably will forget soon and have to learn them again (dang it.)

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