Sunday, September 21, 2008

John's thumb

Today was the primary program in church. This is a good and bad thing as we know. Good because it is finally over, and bad because it is pretty much as much fun for us teachers of the four and five-year-olds as getting a root canal.

Somehow I got extra lucky and ended up not just with my class, but sitting next to my four-year-old son John, who is in the class under mine. I think the idea was that as his mother I would be best suited to keep him in line but as we all know, sometimes parents are the worst choice for this purpose. 

For one thing, John knows that mom isn't going to beat him in public. So, this is prime time to do something unexpected and especially naughty. Even more fun is that she is trying to control her own class, so her attention is divided.

You're wondering what I'm getting to, aren't you? Don't worry, you won't be disappointed.

John is bored. He has been through the laborious practices and from experience knows to go straight from contented happy child to bored cantankerous child as soon as we sit down. We are in the front pew, facing the pulpit. I am feeling safe as this means everyone in the congregation cannot observe his behavior, only those on the stand.

After about song #3 John gives up on his first few plans and starts in on the "I have to pee NOW" ploy. He pulls this all the time and mom isn't going for it. I ignore him as he does his crotch-holding bathroom dance and tries to look desperate. I silently chant to myself, "I will be strong. I will not give in."

Finally he is quiet. Success!! I have shown him who is boss! I was strong! Mom scores!

Then I look at him. Something is not right. He has a look on his face I can't interpret. Has he peed his pants? He is focused on something in that region. I find myself looking for a wet spot and instead see something that looks like a thumb.

Only its not a thumb. And it is pointed right at the Bishopric.

John is grinning. Mom did not see this one coming. How very interesting! What will she do?

I grab his unmentionables and stuff it right back in his pants. He is darn lucky I didn't just twist that puppy off. I was so ticked. Beyond ticked--there are not words to describe my fury. I was sorely tempted to give it at least a good pinch, but again, there is an audience. I cannot scream. I cannot discipline. All I can do is march him directly to his dad.

John scores again.

Honestly, I couldn't make this stuff up.



Rach n Adam said...

HAHAHA!!!Those darn kids! I had to read it to my husband and he couldn't stop laughing. Those Primary Programs are just all the years of Primary Programs I've seen, only once has a child been physically pulled off the stand. MY SON! Not by us either! Nice.

Sally said...

Think of this as more material for the up and coming "book." I know it will be a best seller and you'll be rich beyond your wildest dreams! Thanks for the laugh April!

RaEStoCo said...

ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!! I don't even know what to say, except that that kid is a good form of birth control.

Annie said...

Priceless! Oh, April. I can only imagine what life is like for you. Those kids know what buttons to push when in public. I just had to laugh at your "challenges". Sounds like you've met them head on and you are doing a great job as a "patient" mom. Gotta love those kids!

Dizniemom said...

Oh April!!! I feel for you! My mom told me I needed to check out your blog, and now after reading it I will definitely keep up on it. Your life is so full of adventure as any mom's would be. As the mom to a teenage girl and a preteen girl I understand your frustrations. Good luck!
Suzi (Steele) Miller

Amy said...

That is funny! I was laughing out loud. I'm telling you you need to write a book with this stuff. We had our program last week and one kid got up and just screamed as loud as he could into the microphone when it was his turn. We were sitting in the way back (we were a little late) and I saw the whole congregation jump a little), it gave us all a good wake up call.

Bonnie said...

I am crying I'm laughing so hard! It is so refeshing to know I am not alone, I am sorry that I enjoy you painful experiences! My nieghbor called to tell me one of my boys asked her kids if they wanted to hear a hotdog joke, they said yes of course and my unnamed son says, you wanna toucher my weiner. I almost died! I am so lucky they didn't called social services on me!